Who I Am

I'm hopping on board with From Mrs. To Mama and her 52 Weeks of Blogging With A Purpose. It'll be a fun commitment. This week's theme is Who I am. So without further ado:

I am a wife. I like to put this first because I always find myself slipping into "mommy mode." The truth is, I wouldn't be a mother right now if I had not been a wife first. I am so lucky to have a husband who supports my desire to stay at home with our kids. He's ok with our house not being perfect and coming home to a somewhat frazzled household.

I am a mother. I have wanted to be a mother my whole life. I love my children more than I could ever describe. There are times when I look in the mirror and all I see is a tired looking mom in yoga pants. Sometimes, it's easy to lose myself in this part of my identity although it is a major part of who I am. No matter what, I would not trade being a mom for anything in the world.

I am a student. I feel like a perpetual student. I'm always taking online classes on one subject or another. It might be fairly masochistic, but it's something I enjoy most of the time. Who knows, I may end up with a few PhD's under my belt.

So, that's a little insight into me. I'll see you all next week.

To Avery on Her 3rd Birthday...

My dear baby girl,

Time has flown. It really does seem like yesterday when you were my little baby with those big puffy cheeks. You seem to have grown overnight.

So much has happened in the past year and you've grown up so much. I wasn't able to move around much for a lot of the year and I know that was tough on you. I'm amazed at how well you took everything. I know it's been hard to make a switch from being the only kid in the whole family to sharing with your brother. You know what, though? You've done an amazing job. I am so proud of you. You have never once acted meanly toward your brother and you always say "ok" when I ask you to wait while I'm changing him or feeding him. You love him with a passion and call him your baby.

You are a very passionate little thing. You love intensely and release your emotions very intensely. You are so perceptive on top of it all. You are meticulous. Things have to be just so and you focus to ensure they are. This is where I can see the resemblance to you as a baby. You were always so serious. At the same time, you can be incredibly goofy when you want to be. You like to make up your own songs and dance around. You always try to make me smile. Of course, there are times we don't get along so great, but that's life as a toddler. Sometimes things don't seem so fair to you.

You are growing up so fast. I'm excited to see where life takes you. You've started dance classes, gymnastics, and will start preschool this fall. Every day, you are changing. At certain moments, I look at you and catch a glimpse into the future. You'll strike a certain pose and look like a mini teenager. Then there are the times you do something like refuse to wear pants and you are still my little girl. I hope you always have some of that goofiness.

Little girl, I love you so. I'll love you forever and always. Happy birthday.

This & That

:: I'm tired. Emotionally, physically, and overall exhausted. I know I just got back from a "vacation," but I still had the kiddos with me. I think Bruce had more of a vacation than I did. I want to do something like a girls' weekend with wine tasting and a trip to a spa. I know it won't happen for a quite sometime due to breastfeeding and that kind of bums me out.

:: I'm terrified for the day that Patrick is no longer swaddled. He sleeps so well in his swaddle. When I move him from the position he fell asleep in to his crib or pack and play, he wakes up if he isn't swaddled.

:: I'm having a love/hate relationship with the weather recently. It's constantly raining. This is great for the land and we should have great gardens and crops this year,  but it's so dreary and we end up stuck inside with nothing to do.

:: Avery's birthday is in 9 days. I'm so excited for her party. I can't believe she is almost 3. Comparing pictures to last year, I also can't believe how much hair she has grown this year.

:: Little Miss is currently obsessed with balloons. My house is filled with balloons. I kind of love it.

:: Target has really cute dresses for little girls. I need to stop going to target. Boys clothes are not as addicting, but Patrick always ends up with a few outfits too.

:: Whenever I look at Patrick (when he isn't crying), I proclaim that I want 10 more babies. Then Patrick starts crying and I remember that I must be crazy. For the record, Bruceis not on board with the whole 10 more babies thing.

And now, baby boy is awake and not happy, so off I go.

On Loving Two...

When I was pregnant with Patrick, I worried that I was wrecking Avery's life. I would have days where I was in tears over the thought of not being able to focus on her and days where I was so sure it would be amazing to have two children. Although everyone told me that I would love a second child just as much, I wasn't so sure. How could I possibly love another child as much as I loved Avery? And then I met my sweet boy and there was not a doubt in my mind that I loved him just as much.

In the weeks that have followed, there have been a lot of moments where I feel like a terrible parent. I've lost my temper and I'm not proud of it. I would get so frustrated at life. Kids can be frustrating and I was tired of my house being in such chaos. While I love both of my children, I found myself resenting one or the other at times. I would feel resentful toward Patrick because I couldn't read Avery her nightly books with just her and me. He had to eat, so he joined us. I was upset at the lack of time I was spending with Avery and felt like he was consuming all my time. Then, I would feel guilty for feeling that way. He was just a little baby. He had needs. He was wanted. I loved him.

Other times, Avery would be acting out. She would be lacking sleep and throwing temper tantrums that woke up Patrick so he would be crying. Usually, she would get upset if I couldn't do something for her at the moment because I needed to change a diaper or feed the baby. Then both of them would be crying at the same time. I would feel angry at Avery because she woke up the baby. I thought about how nice it would be to soothe him without having to worry about another child. I felt terrible that he was not getting my undivided attention. I found myself thinking things like "She should know better....doesn't she understand?" The guilt would then set in. Avery's whole world had been turned upside down and she had handled it like a champ. She was used to me being able to take care of her without interruption. I had to take a step back and remember that she is still so little too. She tests boundaries like every toddler, but she truly doesn't mean to do things like wake a baby. She didn't understand my need to throw a load of laundry in the washer. She needed her mama. She was confused about my lack of temper. She was still my baby too. I loved her.

I'm not saying it has gotten easier. Avery is still being a typical toddler. Patrick is still an infant. My house is still not sparkling clean and organized. When they are both crying, I still feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm still not the most patient and wonderful mother in the world. But, I feel like that's okay. Things might not be perfect, but I love my children. They are the most amazing things that have ever happened in my life And when I see my little girl snuggle her baby brother or the way he lights up when he sees his big sister, my heart melts. In the end, that makes it all worthwhile. My house doesn't have to look like the spread in a magazine and I don't have to be perfect. I just want Patrick and Avery to be happy and know how truly cherished they are.

In the Clear

Things are finally (hopefully) getting into a routine. Patrick turned 6 weeks old on Monday and my OB check-up went well. Even though I had pre-term contractions with Patrick, I never went into pre-term labor, so my OB said if/when we have another child, I won't be considered high risk. She said sometimes these things happen and they vary during each pregnancy. While it's good to hear, I am still worried that, if we have any more children, things might progress more rapidly than we want.

After being on "light duty" for a lot of my pregnancy, it's safe to say I feel like a lazy slob. I've been itching to go to the gym and exercise. After my appointment, I waited until both kids were sleeping (!!!) and eased back into my old workout routine. When Avery was born, I didn't retain much and it was not hard to tighten my abs back up. I'm not sure if it was the bedrest or just something that happens with second children, but I'm still holding on to about six pounds and the belly has seen better days. Right now, that's my focus. Planks are my friend. At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I think the hardest thing will be finding the time to work out. I can do some things in the evenings at home if the kids continue to go to sleep at the same time every night, but running is going to be slightly problematic. I'm hoping that I will be able to start Couch to 5K on Bruce's days off. We will see how that goes since he works the night shifts and I like to run in the mornings.

On top of that, I've been doing a lot to clean up our eating habits. Out of the three of us, I think Avery eats the healthiest. She's all about fruits, vegetables, and nuts. Although she doesn't mind a bit of sugar here and there, she'd survive without. Last week, I cleaned out the freezer and fridge. Now, I'm working my way through our pantry in an effort to get rid of all the processed junk we have. It's planting season now and I plan on canning a decent amount of our vegetables as an alternative to buying them canned during the fall and winter. I'm kind of dreading not being able to reach for a can of cream of mushroom soup when a recipe calls for it, but I know it will be so much better for all of us if I make things like that and freeze portions to use instead. I'm also trying to prep food for the week after my grocery trips. I'll wash the fruits and veggies, mince garlic, chop vegetables, etc. so that they will be ready to use when I'm cooking.

Originally, I had planned on trying to do the Whole Living Challenge, but I was slightly worried about the effect that might have on my milk supply. I think it would be best to avoid something like that for the time being. Maybe I'll make it a New Year's Resolution and start it in January of 2014. Until then, I'll focus on cleaning up our diets and just eating healthier all around.

Patrick's Birth Story

On Monday, March 18th, 2013, I was still contracting annoyingly. We went back into labor and delivery along with Avery and decide on an induction. I was already 4.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Nothing had changed. It was time to have this baby. My grandmother arrived about 30 minutes later and came up to the room to watch Avery so that Bruce could focus on me. We had decided earlier on that Avery would stay in the delivery room as long as things were ok and not scaring her.

Right from the start, my amazing nurse went over our birth plan and discussed how we would approach everything. She assured me we would get the epidural started before any intense pain and she would not try to push IV drugs. She brought in the neurologist and we did the paperwork for my epidural. Then, the resident who took care of me for the most part that day came in and checked me. She was possibly one of the sweetest doctors I've ever met.

Because I needed some antibiotics, the process took much longer. We needed to get the full dosage in before Patrick was born, so they administered the first dose and turned the pitocin on the lowest setting. The IV bubble reader thing kept going off, so my poor nurse ended up in my room most of the time trying to fix it. After the first dose, we had to wait a bit to get the second and last dose. Avery was doing great. She had a ton of stuff to do and we purchased Doc McStuffins on DVD and The Emporer's New Groove. She also drew a lot of pictures and ate my ice chips. Around 12:30pm, Bruce, Avery, and Grandma went down to the cafeteria for some lunch. I turned on the Food Network. (You know, just to torture myself since I couldn't eat.

I was still contracting, but nothing terribly uncomfortable. Around 1:45pm, they administered the second dose which went through in about 10 minutes. Then my nurse turned up the pitocin. At this point, Grandma took Avery down to the gift shop where she bought some paper to draw on and two stuffed animals, a duck, and a blue lamb, both for her baby brother. During this time, the neurologist came to administer the epidural. I was nervous about getting it placed this time. With Avery, I was so drugged from the IV pain meds and in so much pain, I didn't react at all. I commented this was like getting an epidural for the first time. Both my nurse and the neurologist were so great about the whole thing. Bruce distracted me by going over Avery's dance schedule.

Around 2:00pm, they came in to break my water. At this point, I was only 5 cm. After that was done, Avery came back in from the gift shop. The epidural was amazing. I could still move my legs, but they felt warm, tingly, and heavy. I could feel the pressure of the contractions, but zero pain. Half an hour later, around 2:37pm, my nurse checked me. I was at 9cm. My nurse left the room and 5 minutes later, I was complete and it was time to have a baby.

The doctors came in and set up the bed. After that was done, I pushed for about a minute or a minute and thirty seconds and Patrick Elliott was born at 2:46pm. The first thing he did was give a big cry and kept crying. They wiped him off and put him on my chest and it was amazing. The moment he was on me, he stopped crying. I just kept saying "Hi little guy!" We stayed like that for a bit and then I nursed him.

After the rest of the stuff was done and I was cleaned up, Bruce brought Avery in to meet her brother. She didn't miss a beat. She acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. She said "Hi baby Patrick." "He's so tiny, Mama!" She told everyone that was our baby. After that, I ordered some lunch (Avery ate half of it) and Bruce made the phone calls.

We only stayed in the hospital one night and left the following day around 4pm. Avery had a cold and missed me during the night so we decided it was best to head home even though I would have preferred to stay another night. I can't believe the whole thing is over and our little guy is here. At the same time, he seems like he's been here forever. Our schedule is still not completely normal, but there's time for that. Right now, I'm just enjoying my sleepless night and baby snuggles.

Patrick: 1 Month

My sweet boy is one month old. Time can go ahead and slow down. That said, this month has been amazing. We've really gotten to know this sweet little guy and all his quirks. I'm not going to lie and say it's been easy, but it's definitely been better than what I was expecting.

Little guy is growing like a weed. I've no idea his weight or length, but he is definitely adding to both. At his two week check up, he was already 7 pounds, 6 ounces and 21.5 inches. He gained 400 grams and half an inch. In two weeks. It feels like he eats constantly, but I'm sure that's just my perception. Basically, he eats, sleeps, poops, and repeats the cycle. In other words, typical baby.

Patrick's head control is pretty good even for a little guy. He can lift his head a bit and turn it to the other side. He's very vocal if he is unhappy about anything and makes the saddest little frowny cry face. At the same time, it's pretty adorable. High contrast is all the rage in his mind. He stares at the dark brown and white damask curtains behind our bed and is fascinated. He also focuses on his black and white infant toys for a bit.

Patrick is definitely in love with his mama. Bruce's hands are constantly like ice and the poor babe freaks anytime those cold hands touch him. Avery is another favorite of his. He hears his big sister and looks around for her. If I'm in the shower and he is upset, I sometimes ask Avery to come talk to him. The minute she comes in next to his bouncer and talks, he quiets down.

It's been a fabulous month and I'm so excited to see what the next month holds!